Never the Twain
Never the Twain is a British sitcom that ran for eleven series from 7 September 1981 to 9 October 1991. It was created by Johnnie Mortimer, and was the only sitcom he ever created without his usual writing partner, Brian Cooke. Mortimer wrote the entirety of the first two series and four episodes out of six of the eighth, with the rest being mainly written by Vince Powell and John Kane. It starred Windsor Davies and Donald Sinden as rival antique dealers, and also starred Derek Deadman, Zara Nutley, Robin Kermode, Tacy Kneale, Julia Watson, Honor Blackman, Teddy Turner and Maria Charles. The title is taken from the Rudyard Kipling poem; The Ballad of East and West.
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Antique dealers Oliver Smallbridge and Simon Peel were once partners until Oliver had an affair with Simon's wife. Now bitter rivals - and next-door neighbours, they're constantly trying to sabotage one another. Oliver's daughter, riding instructress Lyn, and Simon's son, David, a trainee accountant, are in love and want to wed. The two fathers hold a temporary truce to oppose the plan - until Lyn falsely claims that she's pregnant.
Reading that a widow called Veronica Barton is selling her late husband's Meissen collection, both Simon and Oliver, pretending to be private collectors, visit, hoping for a knock-down bargain. Discovering that she's an attractive middle-aged woman, they compete for her affections as well as the porcelain but when she discovers their true intentions, she gets her revenge at a smart restaurant.
Veronica tells Simon and Oliver that she has a spare ticket for the opera in Edinburgh but neither are initially interested - until Oliver poaches Simon's daily help, Mrs Grieves, and Simon decides to be Veronica's escort out of spite.
Not only is Oliver's golf club membership refused but his shop is burgled. However, the duelling pistols that he reports as stolen were only borrowed by his dim assistant Rocky so, to prevent complications, Rocky dumps them in Simon's shop. Initially amused by Oliver's misfortune, Simon is appalled when he gets charged with receiving stolen goods. Oliver comes forward to let him off the hook - provided he will endorse Oliver's golf club membership application.
Lyn and David vow that they will never lie to each other. Their fathers are sceptical - and gleeful when Lyn breaks off the engagement after David has admitted to a drunken kiss with another girl at a party. Now neither of them will need to pretend to be friends for their children's sake. However the young couple are so miserable that eventually Simon and Oliver combine to reunite them.
Simon throws a dinner party for the Smallbridges where inevitably Lyn and David try to keep peace. After the meal, the fathers play cards but Oliver is offended when Simon accuses him of cheating and storms out. Lyn and David get married and, overcome by emotion, Oliver and Simon make up - and decide to play cards again.
